


Just Another Story

by leeleea



Category: Hollyoaks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:15:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25381447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leeleea/pseuds/leeleea
Summary: The heart and the mind of two characters post break up and in pursuit of love.





	1. Stubborn Love

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this story 5 years ago on another site. I'm considering getting back into fan fiction. I'll see where this leads.

I am still working out what went wrong, and attempting to clean up the mess I started.

I am everything you told me I was (immature, conceited , impulsive, and selfish) is true and I hate that.

Yet again. I have managed to make worse what I intended to fix, and have hurt so many people.

I wish I could take it back...those words I chose to speak...what I chose to do.

You wouldn't know that though. No one would.

This is the one thing I keep to myself. To my friends and family I've moved on.

I don't know who I am without you. I don't know if I like who I am without you. No amount of coffee, sex, or other distraction will change that, or make me not miss you. I have tried.

So many times when I claim to be happy and in love I am thinking of you, and I want to call you and ask

"Can we start again… can we go on like it once was- could we somehow go back in time .. back to before everything fell apart?"

Yeah I'm technically " with somebody", but only because I miss you. Only to make you jealous. Only because I needed to prove to myself that you didn't mean as much to me as you do. Only because I needed to prove that someone else could love me. No one else comes close to you. You mean more to me than anyone I have ever loved.

Maybe if I had bent and you had swayed we wouldn't be where we are now...broken. I wish I had known what I know now- that I'm not as perfect and blameless as I want everyone to believe and even in all my imperfection and mess you wanted me. Your perfection intimidated me. I unfairly made you my salvation and resented you being that.

Love is messy. It's not black or white. You must be willing to change , to grow, to be selfless, to listen, to speak up, and to shut up. I'm sorry for everything I've done, but we're far beyond the point of "I'm sorry".

We are both far too proud.

I'm not too proud to admit I need you, and there's not a thing I would not do to have you back.

Not a thing in this world I would not do, and if you were to say those words...say that we could be mended… I would be at your doorstep before you could set your phone down.

Maybe it's vanity, but I have to believe you feel the same way. You were my best friend , and I have to hope that all that time wasn't wasted. As small of a chance as it might be, I have to dream that one day our roads will cross and again , and I'll find my way back to you.

When I saw you the other day... I hate to think it, but your next will get it right. Your next will love you more than I ever could.

If only I could pick up the phone. If only you would answer.

If only one day you'll wear your ring again.


	2. Everytime I Fall In Love

I need someone to help me choose a mate- because I'm bloody terrible at it!

Every time I fall in love it starts and ends the same way.

I have the best of intentions.

I tell myself I've found The One.

It's all I can do to keep my feet on the ground, and I end up breaking all my rules.

I've been here before I promise myself this time will be different.

I promise myself I'll choose better. I'll take my time.

Then it happens.

One kiss. One glance. I lose my mind, and ignore all the blaring signs to take caution.

I'm right back into the flames- and inevitably I'm burned.

Heartbreak.

But I can't help myself- I can't stop myself. At least that's what I tell myself.

I'm in love with the love.

I fall too quickly I've been told.

It seems so easy for everyone else : Person A meets Person B, and hearts flutter, personalities match, feelings attach, and just like that they're walking down the aisle on their way to death do them part.

God I hate those couples!

I don't need flowers and candy. I don't need breakfasts in bed.

I don't even need marriage- I don't think.

I just want someone to tell me, tell me that they want me and I have their heart completely.

No more empty promises

I've been told I need to slow down. That I rush in- that my relationships are built upon nothing more than sex and initial attraction nothing deeper and nothing of substance. Slow down and make sure the love is worth it

But, the one time I did move slowly I still ended with my heart crushed.

I've been told I need to choose a different sort. But you can't help who you fall for, right?

Maybe you can?

Perhaps, that's the thing- I know love can break- that it doesn't last forever. I know just how badly things can turn out, and I'm afraid. Afraid of the hurt. Afraid of the mess. Afraid of being vulnerable. Afraid of the unknown - there are no guarantees in relationships.

Instead of pursuing something real, I self sabotage I choose the relationships I know are meant not to last.

I'd never admit that out loud. I prefer to name, shame, and blame. It's never me.

Maybe, I'm lying to myself . Perhaps I don't want anything meaningful at all and enjoy the thrill of the forbidden.

My therapist says it goes deeper than that.

It's partially cliche , I'm modeling what I witnessed as a child- the dysfunctional relationships around me. I have an immature understanding of love.

It goes deeper than that. According to him I'll never be truly happy until I can look inside , and answer the tough questions- be okay with who I am on my own.

Apparently I'm desperate to fill a void that I'm frightened to name.

He's encouraged me to take a little time off before my next relationship.

A year was his exact suggestion.

It's a perfect logical suggestion.

However it's one I don't think I can follow- because I've already spotted a pretty pair of eyes.


	3. Poison & Wine

You are always there.

Always. Except when you aren't. and when you are not it's my doing.

Extricating ourselves from each other's lives has proved nearly impossible.

Mostly. You've taken yourself out of the equation at various points, but you always return.

We have an understanding.

The evolution of friends to lovers and lovers to friends is complicated and never complete.

As casually as you play it, which isn't casual at all, I know you want me.

I enjoy that. I use that to my advantage every time.

If I'm honest, I want you too, but I don't love you, at least not in the way I should. I never did.

I think you know that.

I think you feel the same way.

We keep each other close for the same reasons. Repenting words spoken. Regretting asked too soon.

I have to believe I can find the one to grow old with.

I worry all the time that I missed the person. While I was too busy chasing another dead end.

I'm terrified of being alone, and you can't chase dreams forever, so,I keep you close, and you've allowed yourself to never fully move on.

We get on, and fear is a powerful motivator.

Simply put, love as the result of proximity is adequate.

Sometimes, sometimes adequate is enough.

Forever and always.


	4. Back to You

I remember the good, and you remind of the bad.

I should know better.

And I do. I know you make me happy just to be- me.

Not perfection. Not molding into something I am not. You not tolerating what you shouldn't, simply not needing to be anyone else other than who I was born to be.

Epically flawed and yet still wonderful you would say, then laugh say something quasi romantic and quantify it by turning up your face and proclaiming there must be something "seriously wrong with you".

I know no matter the distance, the obstacles, or circumstances you have always been.

I have not always been able to see it.

There have many ,many imitations, some quite good, but all still lacking.

A long time ago, someone told me they think of love as a great novel: each person writing individual chapters and separate sections, and then one day they meet and start writing their love story.

I liked that.

On my best days, I always thought if I'm ever to settle down, meeting my better half will be like a head on collision, two trains barrelling down the track to their fates. Utter destruction.

On my worst days I imagined it would be more of a whisper, or the steady swoosh of a heartbeat.

In reality it's been more like a game of chess or solving a Rubik's cube-long , lots of twits and turns, and moving bit by bit.

I'm a something of a romantic, but strangely don't believe in fate, but I can't think of any other way to explain it.

But looking back, I can see how the tracks were laid and the signs posted the day we first met.

Now , now,we're never been further apart, and never closer. Almost.

I've been dreaming of you again, and can say what I couldn't when you and I were 15 and 16-

that you and I are endgame.

Simply put , it's only a matter of following the signs and time.

What is time? A moment? A day ? A week? Months? Years?

Well, some would answer the turning of a page.


	5. Let "Em Talk

I fear there's no recovery from where I've gone.

I'm finally on my is me. Take it or leave it, right?

So why do I want more?

I'm happy. That's what I tell myself. I don't exactly believe that, and you sure as hell wouldn't, but Right Now does ,and that's good enough.

Until those rare quiet moments- then all I think of is you, and I wonder if you're disappointed.

I wonder if you still care.

I wonder if you remember me the same way.

My most favorite memory of us is the night in which nothing happened, and everything did.

Long before we became us, back before either of us knew. Well, I knew, from the moment we first spoke-even though I fought it.

Two words : " Not yet." Too right you were.

I'll never forget the look of your skin in the moonlight, the brush of your fingertips as the traced my lashes and freckles, or the taste of the rain.

For once I felt complete- I wasn't searching. I was home.

I would have given you anything, and yet I gave it all away.

My second most favorite memory is you falling asleep as I sang to you. You used to say you liked that best. I didn't know how that could be true as you'd always drift away. " It just is." You'd answer. " It's who you are away from- everything."

" The not." is how you called it. " I love you in the not." I hadn't a clue what you meant then.

I do now.

And now?

Now, I'm here, I am in my place, a thousand mile from you now.

I know it's my move to make, you've let it be known many times how you feel about me. I don't want to screw it up.

I'm not quite ready yet. You and I have never been easy, you have never been just anything...

I know , I don't deserve, but I'll ask anyway.

Just say you'll wait for me.

Please.


	6. The Way You Make Me Feel

You make me smile.

You make me sad.

You make me worry, there are times I think I'll wake up to the news we've lost you.

You make me laugh, even when I shouldn't.

I still want to hold you, when I know that you'd need it, and sometimes when I do ,because there was nothing like being in your arms.

I still ache when I see you with another- how many have there been now?

Most of the time I think you're an idiot, an absolute moron.

Your immaturity and lack of self -awareness is truly something.

I wonder how one person can be so stupid, so self- destructive, and sometimes that, your self- sabotage, angers me.

I don't understand how you haven't worked it out yet, how you keep doing the same damned things and expect a different outcome. Do you not see it?

I marvel at how far you have fallen, from the person I was once knew.

You as you are now- barely recognizable to the person I remember.

Change is inevitable as long as we're living. That much I know, but not like this.

You say you're okay, but I see it in your eyes, the places that broke, the places that need to heal.

I'd like to fix it for you, to help you through that, but I know that I can't.

You never need ask, everything I dreamed for us is still in my heart.

Maybe it won't be as it was, but I will always care, you never need hide from me.

I absolutely love you, that much will never change.

You are truly beautiful, you never saw that, and still don't. I pray someday soon, you do.

I want you to be okay.

I want you to be more than that.


	7. Flying Blind

Maybe things would be different, maybe we'd be better off if I had been able to be just what you needed, if I had allowed myself to need you, to open up to you.

I've never known anyone quite like you and that terrifies me.

My old standbys, tricks and formulas don't work with you, that frustrates and intrigues me.

I am alone, but no longer lonely. I am solo and hopeful.

For the first time in my life I want more.

More than the familiar.

More than the next fling.

I find myself thinking " I could be that, " and " For better or worse isn't so horrific."

I don't entirely know what that means.

I don't know what moves to make. I don't know what the first step should be. I'm tongue-tied.

You've got me where you want me.

You've had me from the start, even before I knew we were beginning.

Wherever you are is where I want to be.

Please know that I don't blame you for where we are. If I were brave enough to come round yours I wouldn't at all be surprised if you slammed the door in my face.

I've been an idiot. I used to take pride in that.

I'm still learning.

What is time you have asked?

I don't know. There isn't much I'm certain of at the moment, but I hope there's still time for us.


	8. When The Sun Goes Down

It's a cliche, but it's probably the truest of them all:

Love will set you free.

Falling in love is easy. Loving someone else is easy.

Learning to love yourself is the hardest thing you'll ever do.

Loving you was and is probably the easiest thing I have ever done, and also the scariest.

I can't be satisfied with pieces of you. I want all of you.

The only way for us to work is for you to be honest and to let yourself heal.

Heal, it's most important.

Name your demons and release them.

You are not who you are afraid of becoming.

We are not them. We could last... and some things do last - forever.

You ask if there's still time?

That's out of my hands, but my door is ajar.


End file.
